Dedicated to the memory of D.A. Rodriguez who David Carradine'd himself in response to Skins. You know, the pilot of Skins reminds me of one of my favorite songs by Concrete Blonde--"Tomorrow Wendy." Despite its pro-JFK comment, the song is near perfect: elegiac, theme laden, smart, beautifully orchestrated. It's arguably about the end of an era (or the AIDS virus, which is perfect because I'd rather have AIDS than continue talking about this show). In a lot of ways Skins represents the end of an era too. The era where we could say that teen soaps were simply awful is over; now they have become downright carcinogenic. I don't know how many of my readers know "Tomorrow Wendy," but its most famous line is "Tomorrow, Wendy is going to die..." and I thought about the song while watching this pilot, I thought of Wendy, her situation, and felt a pang of envy.
Get a goddamned haircut.
The pilot begins with a song that was left out of the Tron soundtrack. We meet Frederica Bimmel escaping from Buffalo Bill's house, or the way most girls look after a first date with me. Then Tony, who pretends to be Rocky, punching at the air, while the director gives us tasteful shots of his non-bulge. He's supposed to be this hot smoldering alpha male anti-hero (who has every girl in the show after him), but with his obsession with spiders and rats and needlessly prickish behavior, I think he has a good chance of becoming the type that peaks in high school, becomes a truck driver and murders prostitutes during jaunts between Sheboygan and Key West. I understand that teenagers are pricks, but I can't say I remember any of my friends pimping women out. However, in the present, I can't see Tony being a ladies' man either. He dresses like a preppy douche, acts like a preppy douche, and I'm pretty sure in reality, he would have the crap kicked out of him at school.
This whole virginity story seems more like a cult ritual than anything else. Also, the euphemisms are driving me to homicide. Here are some bits of seizure inducing dialogue with my comments in italics.
(Talking to his penis) Kurt Cobain: "Did you hear that, Mr. Happy?" You know, I have to admit, I've spoken to my genitals before but nothing ever so mundane. It was usually "This is another fine mess you've gotten me into."
"I'm going to park my Chevy in Michelle's garage?" I want Mohammed Atta to park a plane in the writer's room. Come to think of it, must he remain brand loyal? But he's buying American at least.
Once again I need to go back to the old and tried argument that no teenagers live like this, and in MTV's desire to include everyone, this group of friends looks like the UN Kids from The Simpsons, and in reality, with all of these different archetypal personalities (they're archetypes not characters) it really makes no sense for any of these kids to be friends--they are all in different social groups, which means, in high school, you aren't friends: Breakfast Club got it right, My Generation got it wrong, and Skins makes My Generation look like Six Feet Under.
To be honest, I can't form sentences in relation to this episode/series anymore. This is like Jennifer's Body and Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans level of bad so I'm just going to cherrypick moments of stupid.
"Candy mountain is calling and we're taking him home." I hope John Denver hits that mountain while they're on it.
"We're going to get retarded on drum and bass. Mambo." Nobody told the writers or the actors the danger in going full retard.
Kurt Cobain: "You got a lot of knives."
Twat #3: "Yeah, aren't they cool?" I laughed so hard the gun almost fell out of my mouth.
Who talks like this? Who lives like this? Where are the awkward moments? Where's the humiliation and self-recrimination? Where's the unnecessary cruelty? The dialogue is over-written enough for Diablo Cody to take notes during, the attempts at double entandre are just subtle enough for Terry Schiavo to roll her eyes at.
I tried a Silence of the Lambs joke, I tried a rape joke, at the end of the day, words fail.
The drug dealer, the clean high school bathrooms. The impeccably dressed, perfect skinned cast. The parties in rich neighborhoods. The crying English teachers. My friends and I used to go to another friend's cramped apartment to drink forties of Bud, smoke pot on a roof, chew gum and drown ourselves in cologne to cover up the smell on our way home. And we thought we were classy.
"You finally get a VIP tour of Neverland." With Michael Jackson, hopefully.
"Break it down, that is so tight. Rambunctious shit going down." I hate WASPS. I hate Skins.
"My nipples aren't hilarious." Neither is this series.
On a side note, The New York Post said that Skins "a look at the secret lives of real American teens" and the Huffington Post called the writing "Brilliant." Like I said: The New York Post and the Huffington Post. Just saying.
I understand that this series isn't a representation of my generation. This is for the cell phone/Facebook generation, so maybe I just don't get it. At the same time, I really don't see this being accurately representative of the youth of the nation of any generation, and I understand that it's hard to write teenagers, especially since teenagers change generation to generation, but then why base your entire promotional campaign around the claim that Skins is a generation defining series? The only thing the younger audience might go for is the vicarious living they will undoubtedly do through these characters.
By now we've all heard that the PTC has taken up arms against Skins. They call the show kiddie-porn. Look, I really can't stand the PTC, and I really can't stand Skins, so I don't really know who to root for here. Either way, I think we all know what jokes I could make from this so why don't we just call it hysterical/inappropriate/dirty/miserable/brilliant and call it a day?
Next Saturday--Rant: Wikileaks.
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