The "Final" Episodes of King of the Hill

This will (once again) be the final entry I make on the King of the Hill series. FOX, bless them in their mercy, finally aired the four never-before-seen episodes from the final season of the show. Strangely, these episodes took place in the middle of the season, which means the underwhelming "To Sirloin With Love" is still the series finale.

These episodes first aired in the 1A.M. FOX spot on the east coast in the first week of May. Adult Swim aired them as a special about a week or so later in the much more respectable 10P.M. spot. The episodes provide a denouement to a few of the supporting cast members much to mixed results. Mini-reviews follow.


"The Honeymooners"--This episode was rumored to have a subplot involving Dale finding out about Nancy's former affair with John Redcorn. Thankfully, the Internet is full of wild bullshit so there was none of that here (or in any of the other episodes). The main plot itself seemed rushed--this was a fairly weak episode, but it had a decent third act. What kept it from mediocrity was the fact they didn't make the new husband turn into a controlling asshole--that it was actually all Tilly's fault--was a nice twist. Score: 2 out of 5.

"Bill Fathers Moss"--A good episode for Principal Moss, but an almost total disservice to Bill. This is a good example of some of the pluses of King of the Hill or The Simpsons where we actually feel that these small towns are real and functioning with all different kinds of people. It's a real community, and those shows had/have a very large supporting cast. Anyway, back at the inane plot, for thirteen seasons we watched Bill hate being alone, but it turns out he is now happy to be alone? After how many suicide attempts? Score: 1 out of 5.

"When Joseph Met Lori, and Made Out with Her in the Janitor's Closet"--Surprisingly, King of the Hill never got preachy, despite dealing with a lot of growing up/parenting things. Well, that's over now. This was an after school special bullshit episode that was preachy and silly. Score: 0 out of 5.

"Just Another Manic Kahn-Day"--The diamond in the rough, and a good way for the special to end. It turns out that all of Kahn's odd behavior is due to his manic depression (he often goes off his meds), and seeing him hit all these highs and lows, and Bill's hysterical reaction to it--not to mention the very fun barbecue ideas escalated wonderfully. The final idea is a barbecue we all would want to have. This was a character study not only of Hank and the guys, but of Khan and the relationship between the two. Score: 4 out of 5.

So that's it then (again). Seriously, though, King of the Hill really is dead now. I've said over and over how much FOX screwed this show, so instead of ranting more on this, I think I'll call it a grievance and stop now. But before I do, I just have one last message to FOX and Seth MacFarlane:

In Defense of The X-Files Part 5: Medial

Despite resolving almost everything, the series continued through seasons 7, 8, and 9. The best TV writers these days write with an end date in mind. It gives you something to build towards and to develop. This worked on The Shield; Mad Men and Breaking Bad have adopted this policy as well. As stated, Chris Carter had no idea how or when the series would conclude, and even wanted the series to continue indefinitely. As great as a show as The X-Files is, it's just as capable of wearing out its welcome as any show. And it very nearly did. Most fans hate seasons 7, 8, 9, and I'll argue their point, and then argue against it. The point of this protracted nerd rant is to defend the show's legacy, and tell off everyone who doesn't agree with me. However, before I go into the meat of this part, I'm going to say this: I like the final seasons--and the second feature film I Want to Believe--but I get why certain people don't.

The seventh season, for the most part, had no direction. There were only three episodes that fit into the mythology arc and the rest were pretty easy going episodes. They weren't very dark, and this led to many fans--myself included--calling season 7 X-Files Lite (or Diet X-Files).

The episodes "X-Cops" and "First Person Shooter" are considered to be some of the worst episodes of not only the season but of the series. I disagree. While I can admit that there were certain issues--I'll get to that in a second--these are highly inventive episodes that were very post-modern in their comments on society and the way they broached their topics. Granted, "X-Cops" was an inter promotional publicity stunt and is a little bit on the meta textual side, but it is still a clever riff on old camp fire stories with themes about voyeurism in society. It also was a very difficult episode to film, so you have to hand it to everyone involved.

Frank Black, is that you?

"First Person Shooter" was co-written by William Gibson, who is the best science fiction writer of all time. A lot of you other nerds are going to say Philip K. Dick is, but he isn't. Dick had great ideas but his delivery didn't always work. "Shooter" had similar themes to "X-Cops" in the way that both can be seen as an exploration with our preoccupation with voyeurism and violence. "X-Cops" takes a look at our voyeurism, how we all can't help but look a train wreck; "Shooter" is about our obsession with violence, wanting to feed the reptilian aspects of our brains, while trying to maintain our civility. The script was too brief to do justice to its goals. It was an episode where you know what they were trying to do and it was admirable, but it didn't have the space it needed to explore the idea correctly.

What people also forget about seven is that it had four incredibly subtle and dark episodes: "Orison," the two-part "Sein un Zeit" and "Closure," and "En Ami." We covered "En Ami" in an earlier part, so I'm going to skip it here.

"Orison" was a sequel to season 2's "Irresistible," where we find serial killer (and possible demon) Donnie Pfaster. He attempted to rape and kill Scully in that episode, and when he escapes, we see her deal with the old scars that left her. Her anger, her fear, her desire for revenge. When her she fights, she punches, she claws, and she fails. Mulder does not come in enough time to save her, and that was the point. Scully kills Donnie in cold blood and hates how she doesn't feel anything about it.

The status of his demonic nature is never clearly confirmed, as his "transformations" can be explained simply through a psychological study. This study found that kidnap victims sometimes, in their fear and horror, will sometimes see their captors differently--that is their appearances will sometimes shift. To strangers, to people they know, to monsters. However, considering the thematic uses of Reverend Orison and the 70's R&B song "Don't Look Any Further," and the "glitches" of Scully's clock, it is very likely Pfaster was a demon and just as likely that he was the devil himself.

In "Sein un Zeit" and "Closure" we learn about the death of Samantha Mulder. In the process Mulder himself almost emotes (!), his mother kills herself, we learn about the most prolific child rapist and killer in American History, a riff on the Jonbenet Ramsey case, and the story of "walk-ins." This story is strange.

Harold Pillar, a one and done character, serves a thematic role: he's Mulder if he doesn't stop searching, if he won't believe the truth in front of him. His name, Pillar, also is an important point in the story. A pillar keeps a structure from falling, or works as a solitary figure, a monument. Pillar, in the series, despite finding so much evidence of other children walkabouts refuses the understand that his son is long dead, and his existence became serving this inability to reconcile this loss, to the idea that his son was still out there. Mulder, had he continued on this same route--believing Samantha was still alive--would likely have broken him as Pillar had.

Everyone, myself included, expected the mystery to be solved with aliens and violence and deep revelations of the Syndicate's machinations and a real look at "the truth" would be revealed. But it wasn't. In the end, it was about the decay of the Mulder family, CGB Spender's continued obfuscations, and how deep and dark truths can be. The end of "Closure," layered by the ethereal "My Weakness" we learn that Mulder's journey concerning his sister was not to find her but to come to terms with the fact that she never going to be found. It was about letting go.

You'll wonder why I'm bringing this up. I'm bringing it up because not all of season 7 was lite. Because no season of The X-Files is bad. Episodes like this make up for the clunkers the season had. Every show has clunkers, and I believe that fans in the final years of the series harped on these episodes and several other things we'll get into soon, because the show never seemed to be ready to stop. Sometimes, you just want a straight fucking answer. But this is the The X-Files, stupid. It's not about straight answers. The X-Files always remained thematic and well conceived, possibly the best science fiction series of all time.

The fans' major complaints began in season 7, especially at the end when we learned Duchovny was not returning to the series, so many consider this season to be in between the excellence of seasons 1-6 and the turbid 8 and 9. In the next part we'll be focusing on the effect Duch's departure had on this had on The X-Files and the return of the mytharc.


To be continued in In Defense of The X-Files Part 6: Zenith

In Defense of The X-Files Part 4: Empyrean

In the first three seasons, The X-Files was a soon-to-be cult classic. By season 4 it was a confirmed hit; season 5 a pop culture phenomenon. The show had almost 20 million watchers a week. Even now, there are lines from the series that are still a part of pop-culture: "I want to believe," "Trust no one," and "The truth is out there" are things people still say, whether they are aware of where it came from or not.

To this day, sci-fi and procedural shows have been influenced by The X-Files, be it the Mulder/Scully will-they-or-won't-they dynamic, the good boss/bad boss, the overarching nemesis, a format of mythology episodes and "monster of the week," the series spanning mystery. You can see the influence in Bones, Warehouse 13, Daybreak, Lost, Fringe, Dark Realm, Supernatural, Carnivale, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Stargate SG-1, Pasadena, The Mentalist, Cold Case, Criminal Minds, CSI, FlashForward, Happy Town (though, to be fair, the show has more to do with Twin Peaks--a show The X-Files took cues from as well), Eureka, Dirty Sexy Money, Dexter. 

Seasons 4-6 represent the high water mark of the series. The locations were oppressive and scary, most of every one's favorite episodes are in these three seasons, questions were posed (and even sometimes answered), the show was still winning awards left and right; Hugo awards, Emmys, and Golden Globes. The latter two are particularly surprising considering the fact that there is a prejudice put against the sci-fi and horror genres for some reason which is why you seldom see them win awards. But The X-Files was that good. It won the recognition it deserved.

The success of the show was great enough for FOX to request and greenlight a feature film that took place between seasons 5 and 6, and came out in the summer of 1998, The X-Files: Fight the Future. It fared well at the box office, and as much as I really like the scope of the film, I and many fans were a little frustrated by it. Future answered no questions, only created greater questions, and further complicated the mytharc. Mind you this is the first mytharc still. You know a show is too complicated when they change mytharcs. There was a rumor going around that the movie was going to be the resolution to the Samantha Mulder mystery, but Carter, if the rumor's true, backed away from the idea because he wasn't ready for the mystery to be solved. The movie brought in more bees, substantially increased the supporting cast, took away a lot of the shininess of Skinner's crown, and made several major leaps in the Mulder/Scully relationship.

It ended up creating a lot of new fans due to a surprising amount of accessibility, and the viewers carried over into the sixth season, but the general consensus was that the movie served no purpose but to stir interest in the new season. The first two episodes of season 6 directly correlated to the movie, and served to close out the main threat of the movie. Thanks for making us spend the money, dicks.  

As time went on though, most people have come to see Fight the Future as a typical X-Files fare. More questions than solutions, mysteries within mysteries. Since I cannot touch upon something without employing a numerical ranking system, and because I fear change, I'll continue doing so here: The X-Files: Fight the Future: 4 out of 5.

The best part about The X-Files was the themes of philosophy, the power of belief, the necessity of lies, temptation, obsession, theology versus science and where the two meet. The characters were flawed and sometimes hypocritical, and that's what made them so different than most other TV characters. They were more like real people. We saw all of these things throughout the series, but they were never more present than in those three seasons.

The six season was the most experimental of the series, and marks two controversial changes in the show. The first was moving the filming from moody Vancouver to sunny LA. It often killed the mood of the series, and this move was done at the behest of David Duchovny who had just gotten married to Tea Leoni, and wanted to be close to her and start a family. Most of the cast and crew were LA resident and were all for the move, but as I said, the look of the show changed greatly. The asshole of society, as it turns out, is a great place to get a tan. Meh. Series director Kim Manners, who was responsible for the creation of the Syndicate and the development--along with Rob Bowman--of the Smoking Man, who will be missed, who this thesis will be dedicated to, agreed with the problems this caused for the tone of the show, but stated Duchovny asked for what everyone was to scared to.  

The second controversial act was the end of the first mytharc and the death of all the Syndicate and their families (!), minus the Cigarette Smoking Man. We learned what we thought was "the truth"--an alien invasion was about to begin, but was averted by the alien renegades. So with the series' main premise completed, the show ended...three seasons later.

To be continued in In Defense of The X-Files Part 5: Zenith.

Because I Can't Let Things Go

Found these online a second ago:

Word life.

Series Review: 24 Part 4: Finale

So, for setting, I'm going to do some finale ranking for some of my favorite shows (though not all), from best to worst.

The Shield
Six Feet Under
The Wire
Star Trek: The Next Generation
The X-Files
Frasier
Star Trek: DS9
King of the Hill
Battlestar Galactica (2004)
The Sopranos

The irony is that all of those shows (minus The Shield) had pretty underwhelming final seasons, like 24.

If asked, I'd place the series finale of 24 above Hill, making it about average, maybe a little below. Also, for setting, I'm now going to rank the seasons of 24, from best to worst, with overall scores.

Season Two:  4 1/2 out of 5.
Season One:  4 1/2 out of 5.
Season Four:  4 out of 5.
Season Five:  3 1/2 out of 5.
Season Three: 3 out of 5.
Season Seven: 3 out of 5.
Season Six:   2 out of 5.
Season Eight:  1 out of 5.

Now, on to the finale. The season overall speaks for the final episode: middling. The last five or six episodes were pretty good, the rest of the season was piss poor. I still cannot, for the life of me, understand how or why Jack Bauer would go on such an emotional (read: violent) rampage over Renee Walker, whom he's only known two goddamn days. It's either beyond me or bad writing. Maybe both. When she (thankfully) was killed off the doctors asked if her parents were living. Jack, sadly, said he didn't know. And that told us and him that he didn't really know her at all. So why would he go so goddamn crazy over this? I can't believe I'm saying this, but this makes Tony's rampage over Michelle actually make sense.


Other whatnots that just don't make sense leading up to the finale: President Taylor's suddenly loose morals, how no one realizes that Logan, who has had strong relations with the Russians, who has been known for his involvement in conspiracies, happens to be in NY the day some shit flies, and no one EVER thinks he may know something he's not telling?

Anyway, the finale attempts to make up for the season's total stupidity. Here I'd like to mention the three best actors of the finale: Cherry Jones, Gregory Itzin, and Necar Zadegan. They stole the show. There were other surprisingly good moments including Jack's actual sniper target, his message to his daughter, and--in the lead up to the finale, a truly excellent motorcade attack in which Jack Bauer attacks Logan's limo and his guards by himself, dressed like this:

If this doesn't make you crap your pants, Bauer's already killed you.

Cole Ortiz brought up a very good point to Chloe in a lead up: saying that between Jack, who is a sociopathic murderer and the bad guys, maybe CTU should just sit back and let them kill each other. Of course, Chloe is an idiot, and she interferes. Her scene, in the finale, with Jack attempting to talk him down is silly, contrived, and the "shoot me" plan was fucking stupid especially that she was crying hysterically while she was doing it.

More issues: Jason Pillar. He was built up to be pretty badass, Bauer's equal--the way Henderson and Nina were--but it fell flat. He had an opportunity--Jack bleeding, wounded, an oxygen mask over his face. How cool would it have been to have Bauer killed so suddenly and ignobly halfway through the finale? The show would win back a lot of the "unpredictable" cred it lost over the years. But, nah. Let's have Bauer go Tyson.

But then there was Logan. Now that was an ending. From ranting about how Jack will always somehow find a way, to being the excellent liar that he is, to being deadly afraid, to finally, truly, desperate. Gregory Itzin was 24's best actor. Perhaps the most complex, tragic, miserable, desperate, likable, and hated character since Sherry Palmer, he gets a final scene that is worthy of his character, and finds himself in a fate worse than death. Brilliant.

Even the scene where Jack is about to be killed by Unamed Bastard, the scene works. It establishes Jack as ready to die, but understanding somehow. Even UB finds himself upset he is forced to kill him--even thanking him for his service for his country. The final scene kind of works, (would have more if it was Jack and Tony, not Jack and Chloe) and they try to get emotional, but the show lost its depth a long fucking time ago. The situation, unfortunately, is only a setup for the movie, which is set to be filmed in Europe. President Taylor claims--as she is about to resign mind you--that due to all his douchebaggery he is going to be hunted by Americans and Russians now. No he wouldn't and here's why: Taylor could give him a pardon. Meanwhile, Russian President Suvarov probably has a lot of other things to worry about now. Like being tried for murder, espionage, and has probably sparked more than one war. He doesn't have time to worry about Jack Bauer. But, no, we have to draw this out onto the silver screen, so let's not give a finale, let's give a tease. Fuck you.

Another fuck you was going through the trouble of casting and paying Michael Madsen and doing nothing with him. Way to get our hopes up.

Now, because you asked, I'm going to tell you how 24 should have ended. The fourth season had a very good, series finale-esque feel, but I'm not saying it should have ended there. However, if it did, it would have been a pretty good way to go out. My idea would have been a throwback from seasons 1 and 2. I would have made the masterminds from those seasons been the masterminds behind the "final season" (I'm discounting most of five and six as not being canon in this version of events), and make it personal for Jack and David Palmer (maybe kill Kim). Kill Jack in one of the final episodes before the finale; dying while stopping the threat, and make the last episode supporting-cast centric as they kill off the baddies. Tragic and unpredictable. But, nah, let's make a movie for a franchise that isn't working.

Ironically, the two things that elicited an emotional reaction from me wasn't technically part of the finale itself. In the last two episodes they brought back the narration "Events occur in real time" from season one, and after the final scene, when the clock is supposed to shift to the next hour, we instead got a countdown to zero. Time was up. These were two little fan services, and they were arguably the most powerful of the season.

24 Finale: 2 1/2 out of 5.

24 Series Overall: 3 1/2 out of 5.

Series Review: 24 Part 3: The Wonder Years

Before 24 started drinking and beating me regularly for not cooking dinner correctly, things were great. Even in its final season, arguably its weakest, there were still some things about the show that still were very good. Simply put, the show is probably as badass as it gets.

Those first three seasons we felt Jack age and tire as the day went on. We felt the fatigue with him, we felt every setback, every brutal beating. Keifer Sutherland never failed to be whatever Jack needed to be in a scene. There are images we, as viewers can never forget: Jack's desperation and fatigue in season 1, his incredibly dark moments in season 2 (his flight with Nina, whispering in her ear later on), his breakdown at the end of season 3, the look on his face when Audrey told him she hated him in the final hours of 4, when Tony "died" in season 5, being forced to kill Curtis/watching LA get nuked in 6, watching Bill die in 7, the hospital scene in 8. Keifer, despite Jack's robotic characteristics, did whatever he could to infuse emotion and pain in Jack whenever possible, and although I may rail on Bauer for not being real in any way shape or form, he exists as a symbol. He's the all-American. He's the guy that always puts his country first, who makes the hard calls, who makes the big sacrifices.  

24 exists, and will always exist, in a bubble. The show was altered by 9/11 (the plane exploding in the pilot was meant to be much, much bigger), but even more than that, 24 marks the radical change in American life after the attacks. The kind of naive, easy going, blowjob inducing attitude of the Clinton administration was gone. In those first few weeks, months, and years after 9/11--and even now, though not nearly as much--we were afraid of everything. When planes flew too low, the possibilities of subsequent attacks, the xenophobia, the fear of Muslims, the Anthrax scare, the growing mistrust of politicians, the threat of war, torture, treason; all of these things play as themes in the show. How many times were Muslims persecuted on the show? Several times. Remember all those reports about al Qaeda attaining nuclear arms? Or Anthrax? Terrorists found these things throughout the series. We loved Jack because he allayed our fears. America can overcome because Jack can. We so badly wanted revenge on "the bad guys" whomever they were meant to be, and Jack expressed our vengeance out loud for us.

A lot of people have criticized 24 for its jingoism, Amnesty International bashing, conservative agenda pushing themes. Usually to this, I'd say, "That's what makes the show good," but on a serious note, the show praised and attacked both sides. David Palmer, the democrat, was naive but compassionate, had morality tempered by realpolitik, and the first black President on television. It was amazing to watch. The show explored torture, attacked big business, conniving political climbers, defense contractors, loved small government, hated xenophobia, and private military companies. The show explored the positives and negatives of both sides, culminating in the very aware, but woefully under explored Jack-on-trial story at the beginning of season 7. Also, the only republican President on the show turned out to be a dick.

I don't know how the show will be viewed ten, fifteen, or twenty years from now. The show reflects this era, this War on Terror, and when it stops being contemporary and is resigned to the history books, what will 24 look like to the next generation? Something that doesn't age with the times, just a silly show, a piece of history? I think the action of the show, not so much the feelings that went along with it, will let the show live for a while. People will decry its for its lack of new ideas, but for different reasons than now. People later on might look at the show only as a show, and not see it as reflective of the climate of fear it was born out of. The show is a time capsule, preserving a moment. The problem with that is that moments never last.


Moving on, no matter how played out certain subplots had gotten, the show was badass. The fact that they never changed their format made everyone in the cast and crew the hardest working on television, and one of the most unique TV experiences of all time. Sometimes the twists became obvious, and the unexpected became expected, but 24 managed, always, to keep you coming back for something. But as we'll see in our final chapter of this wordy exploration of TV and sociology, all good things come to an end.


To be Concluded in...


Finale Review: 24

Schedule

Finals and meetings will have me busy for the next week or so. The next update will be on the 26th. Will it be a continuation of 24 or The X-Files? Something new and creative? Both? Neither? We'll see how I feel.

Observation of Iron Man 2

I won't go into detail, and I don't feel like doing a review, except to say that I understand a lot of people don't like it. Here's my primary observation of the movie.

It's uncanny, isn't it?

Series Review: 24 Part 2: Let Them Eat Clichés

It may sound like I only liked the first two seasons of 24. But that's not true. The first seasons had some really bad plotlines too. Even then, seasons 3 and on aren't entirely awful. When season 8 is over I'll rank the seasons appropriately.

Last time we talked about the lack of character development and some issues of creativity. This time we're going into the belly of the beast. Plot, creativity, gaps in sanity, and metatextual leanings are going to be in the spotlight this time.

Season 1

Season 2

24 was always inherently flawed when it came to its plotting. In such a serialized program with so many episodes a season, unexpected things need to happen to keep the plot moving. This leads to the need for transitional episodes in which the A plot is modified or totally changed, characters are killed or shuffled, revelations are made, Jack walks on water. This also requires plot devices that allow these changes to happen. 24 was revolutionary in certain twists--especially as far as killing characters off and turning bad/good--but there is such a thing as going to the well one too many times.

In its first year, 24's ratings performance was mediocre. Surnow and Cochran expected it to be cancelled after FOX ran its initial 12 episode order, so they (and Surnow's cousin Michael Loceff) wrote episode twelve to be a possible series finale, so as to give the scant fans they had a sense of closure. You'll remember the episode, where Jack saves his family from the compound and resident baddie Ira Gaines pulls an R. Budd Dwyer after letting Jack know there was a bigger threat than he knew about. This was smart; it created a happy ending, while also leaving a door open for more stories in case they got picked up. They didn't count on one thing: that FOX would actually renew them. That left them with twelve more episodes to write and almost nothing to do in them. And here's where we have the annual 24-loses-its-shit for a few episodes, falling into transitional episodes that don't matter, subplots take the forefront and no one really cares. So let's thrill at the kind of classy and creative writing not normally seen outside of As the World Turns and Lela Star Loves Cock.

Lela Star (she loves cock).

Season 1:

Teri gets amnesia.

Kim "can only trust" one of the guys who kidnapped her.


Season 2:

Kim's storylines for the season. All of them.

Kate "I'm definitely not a racist" Warner.

Season 3:

Baby-daddy drama.


Kyle Singer and his family of failures.


How the bad guys engineered a virus to make it more potent, but end up making certain people (who get their names in the credits) immune.


Stereotypical Mexican drug dealers.

This conversation:
Writer 1: "I'm out of ideas."
Writer 2: "Me too."
Writer 1: "Let's bring back Nina."
Writer 2: "Can I suck your cock?"

Kim goes undercover.

Chase Edmunds: the jock from high school you always hated.

Jack's heroin withdrawals that only affect him when the plot requires it.

The terrorist plot was stopped by a mini-fridge.

Season 4:

Driscoll's daughter.


Jack robs a 7-11 for the good of the country.

Device that can make any and all nuclear power plants meltdown. This is handled with very little horror when it should be considered what it is: a doomsday device. Not only is it treated as an underwhelming threat, it's a weapon Lex Luthor might use on an off day.


Habib Marwan has several plans set up in case the first one fails. Each one is more insane than the last and can cost more lives. When did he have the time to do all this? Why not set all of these into action at once?

Behrooz and Debbie.

Behrooz disappears.

Season 5:

The 80 pound sex slave manages to hide a glock in her shirt.


C. Thomas Howell and his breathing.

Nerve gas can only affect you if you breathe it in. It definitely can't seep in through the nostrils, the eyes, or a paper cut. Definitely. Definitely.

Shari Rothenberg.

Bauer vs. Helicopter. Helicopter loses.

Henderson's in a coma. We're told he won't be up for hours or days. He magically wakes up just as Tony is about to kill him, "kills" Tony, and manages to escape CTU without a trace.


Lynn's sister subplot.


Ripping off the "recording" story from season 2.


Season 6:


The Bauer Family.

Marilyn is comfortable and kind with Philip Bauer, but then it turns out he raped her because we need to drive home the fact he's a bad guy. 

No follow-up on the nuke detonation.

Stereotypical white liberal family.

Stereotypical white trash racists.

The Palmer Family.

Nadia asks Fayed where his honor is. He's a terrorist who uses suicide bombers on civilians. No honor there. He's not a fucking Klingon.

Jack doesn't have any physical and emotional traumas after being kept in Chinese prison for almost two years.


Fuck you to the real-time format of the show.


Mike Doyle tortures a woman until she falls in love with him. Seriously. He does.

Assassinating the President during a national security crisis is definitely good for the country. Who the hell thought this out?

Ripping off the Tony and Michelle storyline from season 2.


Ripping off the President Palmer on trial story from season 2.

Saudi's and Russians working together like the 80s never happened.

Morris's alcoholism.


Audrey is brainwashed kinda.

Jack divines Heller's location, arrives there through unseen (magical) means.

Chloe gets pregnant and faints.

Lisa has to have sex with the bad guy. She could have just said no, I feel like dropping a deuce, and I'm pretty sure he'd lose that hard on.


LA doesn't riot after a nuke goes off. So, okay, a nuke is no big deal, but Zoot suits? That's riot material!


Rain Man and his way with technology.


Season 7:

Tony turns heel.

Even though the season is in DC and we're dealing with the FBI not CTU, we never see Quantico or deal with anybody higher than an SAC even when there's a major biological attack and an attack on the White House. I guess the FBI director was on vacation. 

Renee "Everything Is My Business!" Walker.

In episode 10 Jack is needlessly terse with Tony even though Tony had been trustworthy up to that point. Why? He's a dick. 

The actual explanation of how Tony is still alive. It seems after receiving a heart full of drugs, Henderson's men took Tony out of the body bag after leaving CTU and were able to revive him. That just makes me wonder: did no one at CTU try to revive him themselves? He did die in CTU medical with Jack. So Jack decided to just let him go? And no one thought to at least try to revive him with drugs or mouth to mouth or at least well wishes or something? Jesus, no wonder this guy was mad.

Renee is on her period; loves and hates Jack multiple times every episode. Also, everything she does is obnoxious.

Lasagna.

That bitter cripple.

Show starts getting metatextual: President, "How do I know I can trust you?" Jack, "Madame President, ask around."

Aforementioned Bitter Cripple manages to have better resources and is a better investigator than anyone in the government.

Janeane Garofalo.

Bill "Pimp-Juice" Buchanan dies.

Your wife is an 8 1/2, your mistress is a 5 1/3. Idiot. 

Jack leaks vital information to a local imam, tells him off, beats him up, and then befriends him.

The First Gentleman chokeslams a Secret Service agent through a table (episode was written by Brannon Braga).


Ripping off Die Hard 2 and Die Hard 4.


Season 8:

Dana/Jenny.

New York doesn't look like New York; they did not shoot in New York even one day.

Arlo, a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.

No NY traffic.

No actual villain.

Even though last season she was innocent and by the book, it turns out Renee has a past in which she was beaten severely while undercover and maybe raped. Yet never showed any damage until it was necessary.

Last season, President Taylor stuck to her morals and refused to allow a cover-up that would keep her daughter from going to prison for murder. She sent the Sherry Palmer ripoff to prison at the expense of her daughter and marriage. Now, in season 8, because the plot requires it, she turns and folds and allows a conspiracy to happen.

Everyone in NY has a Brooklyn Italian accent and a bad attitude. Everyone.

The seedy brother who may or may not be related to Lester from Chuck.


The really dedicated parole officer that has better info than the entire federal government.

Prison/spy/change name/get job at CTU.


Hick has better information about his ex-girlfriend than the entire federal government.



There are other problems 24 has had over the years, as far a recycling several specific stories: the mole/government dick/infiltrator, the retard boss, Jack goes rogue, the bio/chemical threat, the nuclear threat, and the attack on CTU. Let's explore this, but before we do I'm going to define a few things.

A mole is a character who turns out working for the baddies.

A government dick is a member of any President's staff who either has plans on killing the President or works for the baddies.

A retard boss is someone who is a high ranking official at CTU or FBI or any agency who doesn't immediately listen to or side with Jack Bauer until it's too late.

Infiltrator is someone who may or may not work for the government or agency but ends up working for the bad guys.

Jack goes rogue is a storyline that involves Jack throwing a temper tantrum and goes "off grid" to do what he thinks is right.

Attack on CTU When in doubt, just channel Oklahoma City.

                                                            Jack Bauer, hour 25

Now, as a Jewish friend of mine said, the list is life:

Season 1:

Two moles, a government dick, Jack goes rogue, retard boss.


Season 2:

Infiltrators (Coral Snake), Attack on CTU, Jack goes rogue, retard boss, nuclear threat.


Season 3:

Jack goes Rogue, bio threat, retard boss.


Season 4:

One mole, Jack goes rogue, nuclear threat, retard boss.


Season 5:

Attack on CTU, Jack Goes Rogue, retard boss, two moles, SWAT infiltrator, government dick, bio threat.


Season 6:

Attack on CTU, Jack Goes Rogue, multiple infiltrators in SWAT and DOC, several government dicks, nuclear threat.


Season 7:
Attack on FBI, two moles, Jack goes rogue, retard boss, several infiltrators, bio threat, government dicks.


Season 8:
Attack on CTU, one mole, Jack goes rogue, retard boss, government dicks, nuclear threat, several infiltrators.


As I've said before, a lot of twists need to occur for 24 to keep its audience (Christ knows character arcs are out of the question) so a lot of little plot holes develop. I won't go into them because anyone can find them. It's easy.

One of my biggest problems with the series has always been the lack of explanation. We know there are German bad guys behind the terror plot in season 1, some other Euro fucks behind the events of season 2, but we never find out more about them. The next season just moves on with a passing reference to everyone involved in the season 2 plot getting arrested or killed. And what about Jack's brother's Bluetooth group from seasons 5 and 6? What happened to them? What were their goals and who were they? Were they related to the very similar Prion Variant group that cropped up in season 7? They were attached to Charles Logan too. Or was Alan Wilson just the connection? Wouldn't have the story in season 7 been more cool if Tony and Logan faced off? Or did we just run out of money? The writers could have spent a season going more into these guys, these plots, rather than going into another story about nuclear bombs and non-Muslim fundamentalists. This, in turn, leads into (at last) my mini-rant on Howard "this is an action franchise" Gordon.

I don't hate HoGo (pictured left). What upsets me is that he was on the ground floor of the series, and when he was announced to be the new showrunner, it made sense. Maybe with a new pair of eyes the show could change but keep (and maybe return to a more character oriented program) the things we liked. Instead, this got out of hand. Jack was HoGo's favorite character, so the show became more Jack-oriented than it already was. Jack became even more unstoppable, knows Arabic, Russian, and German, has a family that is entirely evil, and will not break even under 20 months of torture. The action scenes are dynamic and brilliant, but many plots are rehashed. He and Vince Flynn (pictured right, hiding from Tony and David Palmer fans) are responsible for the string of deaths at the beginning of season 5, but at the same time, HoGo was responsible for the Charles/Martha dynamic. So he's not an idiot. Just a fanboy. 

                                            Jack Bauer about to be searched for contraband.

It's funny (by funny I mean tragic) that someone who was with 24 from the beginning could lose sight of what made the show so good in the first place. Watch the first season and watch the last. It's not the same show by any means. I understand the show needs to change, so they switch the cast off every few seasons, but when you have entirely new casts in seasons 4,6,7, and 8, it's hard to grow attached to these characters, or even desire to because they'll either be killed off, never used again, or turn bad. HoGo lost sight of one of the first rules of writing: If your audience doesn't care, you're doing it wrong. At the end of the day, HoGo isn't a bad writer, but a fanboy that got lucky. He loved Jack Bauer and got to write him.

One last thing I need to mention is Jack the Hypocrite. At the end of season 7, Jack derides Tony for making his entire life about revenge, using people to get him to the baddies responsible for his situation, getting good people killed, before killing the baddies in cold blood, all in the name of vengeance. What about the way Jack killed Victor Drazen in season 1? Nina in 3? Henderson in 5? Everyone in the last quarter of 8? How was that different? It's not. It's just Jack. He's always right even when he's wrong.

I know I sound like I don't like this show at all, but that's wrong. We're estranged now, but there was love once.

Continued in Part 3 (the good years).

Series Review: 24 Part 1: History, Context, and the Übermensch

"And in the fourth season, he rose again."

For a while, in high school, my away message was: “24 is better than my life.” I had a soul patch for Tony, eventually a beard for George Mason (now I have a ubiquitous stubble like Wesley Wyndam-Pryce but that's another story entirely). You have to understand that I was but a teenager at the time, and, to be fair, for a while 24 was the best show on television. And what could be wrong with the idea that a blonde haired, blue eyed soldier who cannot seemingly be killed and who is meant to be a Christ-like savior? God knows, it’s been tried before. But that was a long time ago.

24 started in the weeks after the September 11 terrorist attacks. The show, despite these attacks, was controversial. In the first season there was a terror attack on an airliner (FOX did not have it omitted, only edited; the original explosion in the pilot was meant to be graphic, as opposed to just suggested. Regardless of this, the scene is still powerful, if not more so), a black candidate for President, and a view of federal agencies as less-than-ready, corrupt, and its agents as torture trained and political climbers. That sounds pretty fucking cool. The show was not afraid to take risks and was willing to maneuver and explore the post-9/11 world when most of us couldn't take our eyes from CNN and couldn't help but freak out every time we heard a plane roar overhead. But this balls to the wall stuff didn't last. Technically it ended in season 2. The first season of 24, when you consider the Bauer storyline, the Palmer storyline, and the Drazen storyline, the theme of the show was about what these different people would do--how far they would go--to protect their families. By the end of that season, and the beginning of the next, we learned what happens when obsession goes too far (the Drazens), when ambition corrupts (Sherry Palmer), when one man's choices destroys the lives of people around him (Jack Bauer).

The main writers and producers on the show were Bob Cochran and Joel Surnow (creators, pictured right), Michael Loceff, Stephen Hopkins, Chip Johannessen, Tony Krantz, Brian Grazer, and Howard Gordon (remember this name). It was a spy show, a mystery, a thriller. In the first season there were short, cheap action sequences. Tension was ratcheted through the music of Sean Callery, insane plot twists, and drama. Remember that? Remember drama on 24? Yeah, me neither. Anyway, you’re asking yourself why I’m bringing up the names of all of these people is because only Howard Gordon, Brian Grazer, and Chip Johannessen are still with the show. Cochran and Surnow wanted to move on to other projects, and while they remained on as Executive Producers, it was largely in name only, coming back to write only a handful of episodes in seasons 4 thru 7. Everyone else jumped ship before them, and Howard Gordon became the showrunner at the beginning of season 5.

When I first came up as a writer, 24 was a big influence on me. It made me want to write genre fiction, but as I said, that was a while ago. I’ve been a student of Adam Berlin (buy his books or go to hell) for a few years now, and my favorite writers are Michael Chabon and Rex Pickett, so needless to say I’m a slut for character development, and 24 has always had a certain lack of it. The characters are plain and mostly cardboard, but it wasn’t always like this, and that’s what we’ll be exploring here.

I want to be fair. Due to the real-time nature of the show, there is little room to develop characters as intricately as Six Feet Under or The Sopranos did (or that Breaking Bad and Mad Men do now). But it’s the character moments we’ll remember. In season 1, Jack explaining to Nina the dangers of compromising; Andre Drazen discussing the loss of his family. Season 2, Mason’s conversations with Michelle, Tony, Jack, and his son; Jack telling Nina about what she took when she killed his wife. David Palmer dealing with the death of a young boy in a riot, his reaction to Nina wanting immunity to kill Jack Bauer, as well as hearing about Bauer suicide mission later on; also, any scene with him and Sherry is a winner. Season 3 with Ryan Chappelle lamenting his mistakes. Season 4, Tony explains to Evil Terrorist Mother what prison is like from experience. There are sporadic moments in the show that delve into the characters, but I can’t recall them at this time because by season 3 the show had become a major hit, was given more money, and the writers started to worry about creating action scenes that would give you palpitations. In those first two seasons, the writers were willing to slow  down and do character work. But more money means more action, and the show became an action oriented program.

Once again, to be fair, there’s nothing wrong with TV shows that are more story driven than character driven. The Wire and The Shield are the greatest television shows of all time, and they were mostly driven by plot. Both shows, however, made sure to find a way for all of us to care for the characters so that when something bad happened, we felt it. They were complex and they were flawed and they were real. Did anybody care about Curtis Manning’s death? No. Did we grieve for Shane in The Shield? You bet your sweet ass.

But Jack Bauer isn't human. He died in season two. Then again in season four. He survived diseases and heart failure. He got over heroin withdrawals in less than a day. He's been blown up. He was taken to prison, tortured and malnourished for sixteen months--by episode four he bit a man's throat out. He doesn't lose fights and is always right. Always. Where is the drama in that? How does anybody fight against a blonde-haired God?

Another problem that plagued the show is its shit pile villains. The shows’ best villains were in season 1: Andre and Victor Drazen. Now, just because Dennis Hopper is dying of cancer doesn’t mean he gets a pass for his dogshit accent as Victor. I vomited slightly every time he said Jekk Bowwwwer. But he was really good at playing an evil bastard with familial regrets. Andre was a soldier because he had no choice, and badly misses having his family together. Take away the crimes and the genocide they are two men who are obsessed over the loss of their wife and mother, their daughter and sister, their brother and son. Do you remember Marcus Alvers, Mitch Anderson, or Abu Fayed? No? Because there was nothing to them. There are two reasons for this: bad writers who are more interesting in upping the stakes of the story, and pussy bastards.

"Nuclear Wessels."

Let me explain the pussy bastards thing. In season 2, a youthful and ballsy 24 attempted to take on Islamic Fundamentalism just over a year from the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Like I said. Balls. The then-main antagonist was Syed Ali, a practicing Muslim whose obsession with doctrine was frightening. 24, despite it being run by Republicans--perhaps they aren't entirely evil now, are they Mr. Olbermann?--kept it fair. Jack Bauer enlisted the help of an imam (the Muslim equivalent of a priest, rabbi, or guy who hands out the matching uniforms and Kool Aid) to try to make Ali realize how much of a bad reader he is--that the Quaran is a book of peace and he needs to stop being a jackass and realize that Jack Bauer doesn't lose. Unfortunately, though understandably, Muslim groups did not like this situation, and they protested FOX. In reply Kiefer Sutherland began every episode saying that this is just a TV show and not real life and Muslim people aren't bad. But they still complained and a new rule was set down by FOX to the writer's room: all Arab bad guys cannot be overtly Muslim. At all. That's why Abu Fayed in season 6 sucked. That's why Habib Marwan in season 4 (among other reasons) sucked. 24 couldn't be ballsy anymore because their balls were cut off.   

The Great Satan.

So one would think, "Okay. We can't go and show an accurate representation of Islamic Fundamentalism on this show. Maybe we should, instead, focus on other bad guys that aren't Arabs?" Not if you're working on 24. Despite this setback we still got Just-So-Happened-To-Be-Arab villains in seasons 2, 4, 6, and 8, each one as bland, forgettable and unfulfilled as the last. In that way, kudos to you, 24, for be consistent in your lack of creativity and your laziness.

That is not to say, however, that all the bad guys were cardboard. As a matter of fact, some were pretty good. Nina Myers, Christopher Henderson, Charles Logan, Walt Cummings, and Jonas Hodges were all well written and acted. You could tell these people had levels to them. But they were still left woefully unexplored. Sherry Palmer was 24's best "villain." I'm using quotation marks because she wasn't technically a bad guy. Everything she did made sense. They were conniving and dark, but they were very well thought out, and you could always see her point of view. She was compelling, and the writers made sure to ruin her legacy in the final hours of season 3 when we learned she was just nuts. Thanks. Really. Thank you.

One thing that really could have been great was something I read in an interview with Gregory Itzin who played President Charles Logan. He mentioned that he and Jean Smart (who played his wife Martha) had written a long summary of the life of the Logan family; Charles was the product of an abusive father, Charles and Martha’s son had died and Martha had a nervous breakdown (which would explain her mental illness throughout the series), and that it affected Charles so deeply he keeps a chain of his son's on him at all times. (When Jack Bauer has Logan remove all the items from his pockets, you’ll notice it). None of this—not the dead son, not the father is given any real time on the show. That’s not to say that Charles and Martha weren’t great characters—as a matter of fact, they are the best thing in season 5—but they aren’t as developed as they could have or should have been. We never know why they don’t get along, why she doesn’t respect him and why he doesn’t love her. We need an outside source to tell us. It wasn't even a deleted scene. And there is one man to blame, in the end, for this. No, no, not JJ Abrams (but I’m investigating him anyway; I always investigate him), not even Brannon Braga who joined the show in season 7, but Howard “Never Trust a Bald Man” Gordon. But, as always, I'm getting ahead of myself. Look for my rant on HoGo in Part 2.

 Tony romances Dina the prison way: "You can either give it up willingly or I can take it."

We've established that 24 had issues with character development and Jack Bauer being a robot. But then there was Tony "Soul Patch" Almeida and George "I Need Sleep" Mason. If you were to ask a fan who were the two most antithetical non-villain characters to Jack Bauer everyone would say these two. And thank god for them.

Jack is always certain. He's stoical. He is willing to sacrifice anyone and anything for the sake of his country. Jackbot is impervious to anything. He never makes a mistake.

Tony, in season 1, mouthed off to Jack. He and Mason were the only characters to really step up against him. Tony made mistakes. He was eventually sent to prison because he committed an act of treason to save his wife. He became a drunk. When he was given the news of the death of a loved one, he grieved. He lost his mind and he grieved. Unfortunately, because HoGo was the showrunner by season 5, Tony was killed off. Because of the severely negative reaction from fans (they sent in Chicago Cubs mugs and death threats) he was brought back in 7, only to turn out to be the bad guy, only to actually be a sort of bad guy. He had a Euro-trash moustache.

What made Tony great, before his character was ruined, was that he (and Mason) were accessible characters. The most accessible on the show. Not the Jackbot, not Chloe the walking Antisocial Personality Disorder, not the alarmingly charming Bill Buchanan. Tony was a regular guy in an irregular situation and continued to react as a regular guy (until episode 17 of season 7). Even in the early part of 7, when we learned that Tony had made mistakes we didn't see onscreen, there was a sense that he was haunted. He felt bad for the things he'd done. We got that feeling from Jack once in season 3, when he wept uncontrollably at the end of the season--jump to season 4 where he tortured three people, season 5 when he purposely shot an innocent person to make a point, or season 7 when he was given a suspect who wouldn't answer questions and was told by Renee Walker: "Torture him if you have to," to which Jack replied, "I'm going to enjoy this"--but as you can see that was short lived.

In season 4, out of work, drunk and divorced Tony is called back into action by Jack. Tony hesitantly helps, and when Audrey asked Tony why Jack was still such a soldier, Tony said, "Some people are more comfortable in hell." Audrey nodded and replied, "Was that about Jack or you?" Tony realized he had been talking about himself and the character became all the more aware of himself, his mistakes. He had come full circle.

Even though I hated what they did by making Tony a villain, it did, in its own way, add another level to his character. He was so obsessed with finding and killing the men responsible for the death of Michelle, his soul was eaten away. He was unable to let go of it the way Jack did Teri. Tony was more human and fallible. But it really did fuck up that full circle thing in season 4.

"What do you mean I'm not coming back for season 3?"

Then there was George Mason. A coward, a climber, a bitter douchebag. When he found out about a bomb scare in LA, he reassigned himself out of the entire city. He stole money, he betrayed people, he hated his ex-wife, and his son hated him. We watched him die over the course of about 13 episodes in season 2. From the moment he found out he was terminal, to his anger and acceptance, to his putting to bed his demons, to his redemption. His conversation with Michelle about regrets and his conversation with his estranged son were beautifully written and acted with nuance. That, along with Mason's death, were among the most moving moments of the series.

They had levels to them.

The show went to shit eventually, but when it worked it fucking worked.


Now, onto HoGo.




Continued in Part 2